Have you ever felt uncomfortable because of someone’s words or behaviour at work? In a previous article on preventing workplace harassment and sexual assault, we noted that many inappropriate acts are ambiguous at the start. If you don’t voice your discomfort, people may later blame you for having said nothing—adding a second trauma.
So what can you do when a colleague or supervisor seems to be crossing the line, but you’re not sure whether it’s clumsiness, ignorance or a deliberate move? The question is even trickier in multicultural settings, where cultural gaps or stereotypes can deepen the unease. If you stay silent, you remain trapped in an uncomfortable climate. Your best weapon: learn to say “no” from the very first incident.
Contents
- A non-violent communication approach to trigger change
- Phrases to signal your objection at the first incident
- Building courage for an assertive face-to-face
1 | A non-violent communication (NVC) approach to trigger change
For someone to adjust their behaviour, they must know both what you appreciate in them and what bothers you. Clarity and simplicity help the message land.
Start by separating:
- Facts —what is objectively observable, with no interpretation;
- Opinions —your subjective judgement;
- Feelings —your genuine emotions.
Under stress we mix the three. Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication suggests a four-step frame:
Observe • Feel • Need • Request
- Observe: describe the situation like a camera.
- Feel: name your emotion (“I feel…”), without guessing motives.
- Need: state the unmet need behind that feeling.
- Request: make a clear, concrete ask.
2 | Phrases to signal your objection at the first incident
Working with clients, I help them craft a simple sentence with four parts:
“When you [fact], I feel [emotion] because [need]. I’d like you to [request].”
Example 1 – Cultural stereotype
Fact “When you say, ‘You Asians work harder, so I’m giving you this…’”
Emotion “I feel treated unfairly,”
Need “because, like everyone else, I’m already overloaded.”
Request “Please assess workload based on skills, not on an ethnic cliché.”
Example 2 – Insistent offer of a lift
Fact “When you keep insisting on driving me home after I’ve refused,”
Emotion “I feel uncomfortable,”
Need “because I don’t like being alone in a car with someone I don’t know well.”
Request “So please respect my choice to travel on my own.”
Example 3 – Aggressive reaction
Fact “Earlier, when I asked about your task, you shouted ‘Why do you keep pushing me?!’”
Emotion “I felt uneasy,”
Need “because, as project lead, I must track deadlines and need your information.”
Request “Could you just explain the delay so we can solve it together instead of rejecting my reminder?”
3 | Building courage for an assertive face-to-face
In each case you avoid labelling the person. You state the behaviour you saw, own your feeling, clarify the unmet need and make a concrete request. This lowers defensiveness and frees you from guilt (“Am I overreacting?”). You can deliver the sentence firmly (Examples 1 & 2) or softly (Example 3) depending on the context.
If the other person responds with insults or twisted justifications, escalate: report to HR, involve your manager, or use formal channels. Your safety comes first.
“Confrontation” used to scare me too—I would sidestep tension or leave the room. Conscious practice taught me to stay present and speak calmly. What once felt impossible becomes doable with time.
NVC is the most accessible tool I know for that first leap. Once the mechanics sink in, you can adapt—use questions, metaphors, humour. The key is to begin; the start gives you strength to continue.
If you want to boost your professional presence or leadership, explore my career-coaching services. Together we can break through blocks, strengthen your assertiveness and build the career you aspire to.